After Peace
by Sariyuki
Summary: Yaoi. What do soldiers do when the war is over? What do you do when you lost half of your soul?


Title: After Peace

Author: Sariyuki

Pairing: 1+2

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing. You know that as well as I do!

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//Flashback//

"Don't you want to say something, Heero?"

Heero met his lover's gaze and noted the gloom atmosphere that's hanging over them. Duo's face radiated great sadness. He had never seen him like this before.

Duo blinked rapidly several times. He took a deep and heavy breath. It was going to be difficult. His heart ached like it never ached before. His lung burnt and it was so hard to maintain control of himself. He didn't want to shatter in front of his lover. No, he certainly couldn't afford that. He braced himself. Waiting.

Finally Heero answered, "What do you want me to say?"

Duo looked up at the sky. He smiled his bitter smile. He knew he would never get what he wanted for so long. Well, at least he tried. And now was the hardest part of it all. He had to let him go. His heart was about to explode. He couldn't contain this anymore. Somehow, he still had his losing grip of his self-control.

"Alright ... so you don't have anything to say to me. That's fine. All this time we've been together, you never said anything. That's fine too. Coz it's over now."

Duo stood up abruptly and pulled himself together. He continued.

"But ... I've got something to say, Heero. I will say it no matter what. I will say it even if you don't understand. I love you."

//End of flashback//

  


Heero woke up with a start. Sweat dropping from his forehead. The room temperature was unbelievably hot. He brushed aside his hair from his eyes, scanning around the empty room and frowned. It was still 4 am. He got up of bed and stared into nothingness. He felt nothing. He was so empty.

The war was over and done with. Gundam boys were not needed anymore now that they had peace. _Peace ..._ Heero wondered if all was worth fighting for in the first place. Then he shook his head. Of course, if he fought for peace, it was worthwhile. It's still very hard to convince himself. Everybody said that it was peace time now. But how was it that he didn't a slightest bit peaceful? How was it that he felt so empty and ... lonely?

_What do the soldiers do when the war is over?_

They all went to their separate ways. Trowa, Quatre, Wufei and ... Duo. They had to start over again somehow. They had to have new lives. It wasn't easy. But that's how it's supposed to be. Trowa went travelling around. He said something about finding his long-lost-self. He heard that Quatre went back to his country. Wufei planned to open up a karate dojo for kids. The last news Heero heard about Wufei was that he got engaged to Sally. Heero didn't come for the party. He didn't mean to be rude to his former gundam fellow by his absence but he just didn't feel like celebrating anything. Not in his current state.

_And Duo ... what about Duo?_

It's been months since their parting ways. He couldn't remember what it was that pushed them apart from each other. When they were fighting for peace, everything seemed to be in place. But somehow, peace made it different. Living together with your gundam partner seemed natural enough in the middle of a chaotic world. It's not like they felt they really lived anyway. Even if they lived, they lived in a different world, somewhere near the edge of unreality.

It didn't feel right to pursue the relationship after the war. That's if you could even call that a relationship. What was it that he looked for in Duo's companion? Friendship? Comfort? Sex? _Love?_ He wondered what Duo felt all along. He knew he should not wonder because he knew. Duo loved him. Duo loved him so much that it hurt. It would be different if he was capable of returning Duo's feeling. He wasn't sure he could at the time. Was he any different now?

Not a single day since he parted ways with Duo, he didn't think about the braided boy. It was so hard the first two months having nobody around him, while he was adapting to his new life. Sure, he still got his old friends. Sometimes Quatre or Wufei would call him up and chat with him. He still didn't know for sure the where about of Trowa. Every now and then, Relena would come and visit him, in the spirit of cheering him up. But they're all nothing. Still he hadn't got someone who would be there for him, all the time. Like Duo.

  


//Flashback//

"Heero ...," whispered Duo in his lover's ear.

"Get back to sleep, Duo," replied Heero sleepily.

"I'm scared, Heero ..."

The pleading voice got Heero's attention. He cracked open one eye and peered, "What is it?"

Duo didn't reply. Instead, he moved closer and tightened his grips on Heero's body.

Heero put his arm automatically around Duo's body and asked in a softer voice, "What is it, Duo?"

"I'm so scared of losing you ..."

//End of flashback//

  


Heero remembered exactly what he felt that night. He had felt a jolt in his heart, sensing something was wrong. But he ignored it and had asked Duo to ignore it too. What a fool he was. Now he knew what was wrong. That night, Duo must have known what would happen to them, to their fragile relationship and it had scared the hell out of him.

Duo needed to know if Heero loved him. It was what the braided boy was hoping to find out, day after day. But what he found was disappointment after disappointment. Heero's inability to provide what Duo needed was the final blow for Duo. They had to part. Duo was very fragile inside. He needed to be loved.

It was nearly 6 am now. Heero walked into the bathroom and stared into his reflection in the mirror. After one whole minute, he screamed and punched the mirror hard. The glass shattered in front of him, covered in his blood. He felt he was going to vomit. How he hated this world. How he hated himself!

Everyday, he scowled at himself, everyday had he not think about Duo? His pride wouldn't let him admit such an obvious fact even to himself. What a fool he had been! He watched the mess he made. Little pieces of glasses glittered on his bathroom floor. He sighed reluctantly. What a fool he was. He saw his bleeding hands. He needed a distraction from what it was he felt that surely would drive him nuts. He had expected pain to come from the bleeding hands. Instead, it came from his chest.

Realization came too late. Always too late.

Did he ... did he love Duo? He had never loved anyone before. How could he know if it's love or not? How could he be sure? _But the pain ..._ the pain was so unbearable. It was some kind of a proof for what he was feeling now. Heero was sure he would throw up blood if he kept on like this any longer. There was only one way to find out about his feeling. He had to see Duo again.

Heero cleaned his wounds, took a shower and placed a call to Quatre. Thanks to the time difference, it was evening in Arabia.

"Hi, Heero. It's been a while. How are you?"

"Fine. Quatre, I need your help."

"Sure, what can I do for you?"

"I need to know where Duo is."

There was no response from the other side. Heero frowned a little, "Quatre? You there?"

"Yes, sorry, Heero. I thought ..."

Heero repeated his request clearly.

"Well, Heero, the truth is ... I'm barely in contact with him, you know ..."

"Oh"

"But I could find out for you, if you want ..."

"If you don't mind, then yes ... please"

"Sure thing, Heero. I'll keep in touch with you."

"Thanks, Quatre. Bye."

Heero put the phone back on its place. Curiously, his heart felt lighter than ever now that he finally did something other than brooding and denying. What would Quatre think about his request now? He shrugged the thought away. _Who cares?_ He looked at his battered hands and shook his head. Whatever happened to his so-called self control? _This is getting worse_. Heero sighed.

_Where is this peace that he had fought so hard to win?_

  


//Flashback//

"Do you believe in destiny?"

Heero turned to face his lover's smiling face. Duo rested his chin on his hands and looked at him curiously.

"I guess not."

Duo frowned and the ends of his brows almost met in the middle of his forehead, "Why?"

"Because it's ridiculous"

"You think so?" replied Duo slowly. He caressed his braid reflectively, "But you know Heero ... I think it's our destiny that we've met."

//End of flashback//

  


A week later, Heero received a phone call that he was waiting for. Quatre found out where Duo was living and gave him the exact address. He thanked Quatre for what he was worth for and swore that he'd do something really nice in return. He could not think what now but he'd figure out.

After slowly placing the phone down, Heero stared at the piece of paper containing Duo's address on his hand. He shook his head in distress. All this time, he didn't realise that Duo lived in the same country that he was. He had thought that perhaps Duo was somewhere far ... somewhere he couldn't reach. But now he knew. He got Duo's address, what would he do next? He could feel his heart pounded harder. He would not back out now. He must finish what he had started. He had made hell of a mess ... somehow, he didn't know how, but he would try to fix things up ...

Heero knocked on the brown door of what he hoped was Duo's flat. Nobody answered. He consulted the piece of paper on his hand. It was the correct flat number. He knocked again. Then the door was suddenly open.

Heero gasped. All of the sudden, he forgot what he had planned to say.

"Heero?" asked an incredulous Duo.

"Hai," replied Heero weakly.

They both stood in silence, not really knowing what to say or do.

Finally Duo took a pity on seeing the expression on his former lover's face. He opened the door wider and motioned his guest to come, "Do you want to come in?"

"Hai," said Heero avoiding Duo's questioning gaze while following him inside the flat.

"This is the living room," introduced Duo casually and took a chair out for his guest to sit down. He sat himself down on a nearby couch.

Heero, still not knowing where to begin an explanation of his presence, sat uncomfortably on the offered chair. His heart seemed to beat faster and faster each time. He was sure that Duo could hear it from where he sat. Finally he braved himself and looked up to meet two very blue eyes gazing into his. _God, what have I done? He looks so thin and pale ..._

"So ... what brought you here?" asked Duo as casually as possible. His face was devoid of any emotion.

"I ... I want to talk to you," managed Heero.

"Look, Heero ... there's nothing more to talk to, okay?"

There was a hint of desperation. Heero looked up and thought for a moment he saw something like sadness in Duo's eyes. But whatever it was, it passed quickly.

"Duo! Please ..."

"Hm, I never thought I'd live to see the day that you want to talk"

Duo saw the hurt expression on his former lover's face. He tried not to show his own emotion, "Talk if you want to talk."

"I'm sorry."

"What?" Duo couldn't understand what he heard.

"I said I'm sorry," repeated Heero. "I'm sorry for everything, Duo. Sorry for hurting you."

Duo couldn't reply. In fact, he was shocked. He didn't expect Heero to say something like that. He stared in disbelief, opened his mouth to say something but quickly closed it again.

Heero said, "I must finish what I have started. That's why I came today."

Heero moved closer and knelt on the floor in front of where Duo was seated.

"I'm sorry for being an idiot all this time. I'm sorry for not saying I love you."

Tentatively, Heero took Duo's hand and held it with both his hands. Duo tried to free his hand but Heero wasn't going to let go. After a while, Duo gave up trying.

"Please, Duo ... Look at me."

After what it seemed like eternity to Heero, Duo turned his face slowly to look into the pair of dark blue eyes. Duo saw something that was never in those eyes before. There was tenderness and ... more.

"I'm sorry I've been so blind. I thought I could live without you but I was wrong. I am lost without you."

Duo's heart beat stopped for that flash second. Couldn't believe what he heard, he seeked for proof. He looked harder and harder into Heero's eyes, searching for what little truth he could find. But all he could find was pure honest desperation in those wonderful eyes he'd so adored long ago. The words echoed endlessly inside Duo's head.

_I am lost without you ..._

"Will you forgive me, Duo?"

All the memory that Duo had carefully shoved at the very back of his mind came flooding back. He had loved this guy so much. Maybe even more than he loved his own life. He blinked back the tear that was surely to come. He closed his eyes. His heart ached so much he couldn't breathe. He had waited for so long ...

The pain that he had, the pain of separation from half of his soul, had been so unbearable. There were times when everything was only dark and black for Duo. He remembered how hard it was to steel himself not to break down and cry every night. Hoping against hope that someday, somehow, the pain would finally go away. He was sure it would never leave him alone. He was sure that he's doomed for eternity. It had been so dark ...

Could he ever forgive Heero?

Duo smiled bitterly. _Who am I kidding? He's the earth and heaven, he's the air that I breathe. Could I forgive him? What kind of question is that! Hell! I'd jump straight to hell in a flash if that what it takes to make him mine._

But still ... he needed to know.

"Say Heero ...," croaked Duo finally, looking at the longing gaze of Heero's eyes. "Is that all you want to say?"

Heero looked back at him, confused.

"Don't you have anything else to say?" repeated Duo quietly.

"Oh," Heero finally got it.

"Yes. I've got something else to say to you. I'll say it a thousand times if it makes you happy."

Heero got up and embraced the slim figure of Duo in one swift motion.

"I love you, Duo. I love you. I love you. I love yo-"

Heero choked on his words. In his arms was the most beloved person he ever had and this realisation made his heart ached like hell. He couldn't contain the vast emotion that he felt right now. Somehow, even the words _I love you_ wasn't enough to say what he felt. Heero cried.

Duo hadn't expected this. _Heero ... his Heero is crying? Because of him?_

"Shh," whispered Duo softly. His heart ached.

Duo brushed the back of Heero's hair slowly, lovingly. He didn't know what he dreamt last night. This was so unreal. Heero, in his arms, was sobbing, so frail and ... loving. All the pain he had held so long in his heart was slowly melting away. Yes, he had waited for so long ...

"You know ... I love you too, Heero," said Duo softly to the sobbing figure.

The sob stopped abruptly but the embrace was tightened. Duo gasped. Heero held him so tight, it was difficult to breathe.

After a while Duo could hear Heero's muffled voice, "Please don't let me go again, Duo ... ever again ..."

It took all Duo's self control not to burst into tears. " ... No. I won't," replied Duo softly, honestly. "I can't."

They held onto each other for a long while. When they broke apart, Heero took Duo's hands and smiled sheepishly, "You know, I guess what you said about destiny was true."

Duo tried to recall, "What did I say about destiny?"

"You said we were destined to meet each other."

Duo raised both his eyebrows, "Did I?"

"Yes ... or something to that effect. And I think, I think we are destined to be together."

Then Duo remembered the occasion. He smiled teasingly at his newfound lover, "You know ... I think it's ridiculous to believe in such things."

Heero laughed, remembering what he had said long time ago about destiny. "Why, you!" He pretended to punch Duo's cheek. But instead, when his hand landed on the soft skin of his lover's cheek, he brushed it gently. Looking at the beautiful face in front of him now, he felt so lucky to be here. To be alive.

_Perhaps happiness is not just a leaf you can reach_.

He had found what he lost. He'd found his love. And then next, Heero was sure he would also find the peace he was looking for.

- Finish - 


End file.
